jiaying. (:
fifth april.

family, friends & dance

HCMAD<3 07S79 adeline ann audrey ainan bertilla charmaine cherylchang clarice estelle ezra huitian jess jiayi jiayun joanne kelvin liuqian meiling mianrong mieoteng nicholas nicole qianying ruixiong sherene serene shionyee siyu stacy tisiana tingyu thomas vanessagoh xianhuan xiyu xueen yueyang yunning
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let's chase the summer and forget the world.

i've been trying to smile today. really. but yknow sometimes you just dont feel like smiling. then random moments you will just stare into space and stone for minutes. not thinking of anything at all. and, sometimes you see your friends joking around and laughing crazily. in your heart, you share their joy and laughter. if it was any normal times, you would have been laughing along too. but just this time, just for the sake of smiling, you smiled. it seemed like at that point of time you should smile. everyone's happy. you shldnt ruin the whole mood and atmosphere. you shouldnt even explain and try to express the deep hurt youre feeling. cos you know they wont understand. whats lost may never return.
above basically sums up all i've been doing today.

how many times have you actually fallen asleep and woke up realising you've been crying?

nicole and i promised each other to smile. no matter how bad things always turn out. no matter the many uncertainties in our lives. no matter how many fake people we always face. no matter how many things which make us feel so bad yet we must brave up to them and conquer them.
i just realised how weak i actually am, nicole.
but im trying hard to let go.

SOMETIMES I ALSO WONDER AT MY SANITY. IT'S JUST A PHONE. the sense of loss is so so great. i cant help being bogged down by it. it's like this heavy burden on my shoulders. in some moments, i think it's not only because of the phone. it's because of the things you see everyday. how i live my life like a daily routine. how depressing it is when you cant get what your teacher has been droning on about. how useless you feel when you dont even understand the questions of the test. how demoralising it is to even know for sure youre gonna fail when you haven even gotten it back.
you cant find any zest in whatever you do. doing things mechanically. void of emotions and feelings. just want to be alone and think. when ure not actually thinking much, just mourning over the loss. i want to get it off. but apparently it doesnt. it's so overwhelming that today when someone just went a little bit fierce to me without intending to do that, i actually found tears running down my cheeks. but apparently i wouldnt let anyone know.
i tried to let others know how im feeling. but not many people understand. some just exclaim over the loss. some went like, never mind la you can always get another one. some think it's no big deal. some ahh-ed and ooh-ed and thats it. some say hey cheerup and walk away.
it has always been like this.
i dont blame them in the sense that sometimes you just dont get it whats jiaying's problem. it's only a phone, for goodness's sake.
it's so hard to find someone who understands the pain im undergoing through. it may be just a phone. but it's like a reallyreally important part of my life. not only the messaging and calling part. but also because it was mine, and i loved it.
no matter how hard i try not to think about it anymore, the pain still stays.
next time you see me smile, chances are im still feeling so hurt deep inside.
but im trying. im trying to letgo.

life is about letting go;